The Most Courageous Military Branch as a Matter of Law

Test Results Published 7/11 by the Judge Advocate General of  SART (USS Skipjack Anti-Retention Team) and the U.S.S. Lafayette Socialist Workers Party

The several branches of the military (for some unknown reason the Marine Corps is often treated as a distinct branch of military service) since their creation have argued among themselves as to whose personnel is the best at virtues such as courage, loyalty, strength, and so forth. For now, modern statistical and investigative techniques have resolved the issue as to which is the most courageous: the U.S. Navy. The testing and results occurred as follows.

The fist involved a random selection of officers and enlisted in the Marine Corps.  Each marine was shown an area represented to be a minefield and set-up to look like a minefield.  Explosives were even set-off at various times and locations to complete the illusion. A superior officer ordered each individual to run a circular and zig-zag pattern through the minefield until ordered to stop.  100% of the marines complied with these orders and no doubt would have sacrificed much if it really were a minefield. This resulted in the upper echelon  officers of the Marine Corps concluding that their personnel were the most courageous. This conclusion was rejected. See infra.

The next set of individuals involved randomly selected officers and enlisted in the U.S. Army.  Each soldier was shown an area represented to be a mine field and set-up to look like a minefield in the same manner as supra.  A superior officer ordered each individual to run a circular and zig-zag pattern through the minefield until ordered to stop.  100% of the soldiers complied with these orders and no doubt would have sacrificed much if it really were a minefield. This resulted in the upper echelon officers of the Army concluding that their personnel were the most courageous. This conclusion was rejected. See infra.

The next statistical sampling consisted of randomly selected officers and enlisted Air Force personnel.  Each airman was placed on a runway and ordered to stand at attention as fighter jets were using it for a takeoff heading straight at them.  The test was set up so that the fighter jet would lift off at the last minute just missing the individual. 100% of the airmen complied with such orders and did not move until ordered and no doubt would have sacrificed much if it were not just a set-up or if something went wrong with the test. This resulted in the upper echelon officers of the Air Force concluding that their personnel were the most courageous. This conclusion was rejected. See next paragraph.

Finally, the next statistical sampling consisted of randomly selected officers and enlisted of the Navy. Because these personnel actually had to work for a living maintaining and operating ships, aircraft, and military equipment both at sea and in port, they did not have time to take part in make-believe games. Therefore, members of this task force approached randomly selected sailors with a full-admiral by their side. As they approached these sailors while they were doing their job, the admiral would give them a direct order that if followed such as supra would cause great injury or death. For example, an electrician’s mate would be ordered to suffer electrocution or dismemberment by sticking their hand in an electrical motor or generator; an electronics technician to jump from an electronics mast to the deck or pier; a machinist’s mate to jump into a turbine or gas piston; a submarine engineering department was ordered to stay in engineering while the compartment was flooded; and so forth. 100% of the sailors upon receiving such orders told the admiral to go “fuck himself” as they flashed him their middle finger. That is courage.