50 Suggestions for the ex-submariner that misses
“THE GOOD OLD DAYS ON THE BOAT”
Taken from the Home page for Simon Bolivar
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble “Sorry, wrong rack”.
2. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sun light. Only view the world thru the peep hole on your front door.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Shower once a week. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per shower.
5. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
6. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and motor running, but don’t go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil temerature gauges. Take logs on all gages and indicators every 30 minutes.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to “High”.
8. Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a different one.
9. Don’t do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.
10. (Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
12. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
14. Invite guests, but don’t have enough food for them.
15. Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen.
16. Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to add water to.
17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional- cold beans and weinies, canned ravioli or soup)
18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while wearing a scuba mask.
20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over.
21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 to 6 hours before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.
22. Invite at least 85 people you don’t really like to come and visit for a couple of months. Limit showers to weekly for all guests. (Unless they are interested in electronics…force those guests to shower three times daily and wear a bottle of stale cologne following each bathing).
23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each morning.
24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
25. Check your refrigerator compressor for “sound shorts”.
26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
29. Every so often, yell “Emergency Deep”, run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place “stowed for sea”.
30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don’t plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) “Stove manned and ready”. Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) “Stove secured”. Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
31. Tag out the stearing wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmision and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.
32. Use kool aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2 months.
33. Fill laundry tubs with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change the washers on the water spigots.
34. While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel Fuel…savor the aroma of AMR2LL.
35. Install more commodes in your bathroom. Serve many greasy meals and ensure the entire family goes to the bathroom together.
36. Buy bunk beds and move the whole family into the hallway of your house.
37. Just for fun, rig 700 PSI air to the bottom of all toilets. Hold a lottery to determine who gets to control the air valves.
38. Knock a glass of water out of someone’s hand and yell ‘SPILL’. Shout at them the entire time they clean it up, tell them how worthless they are, then do it again.
39. Give your wife a new pin for her dress, then punch it into her chest.
40. Ask for ‘permission to enter’ whenever you go into the kitchen.
41. At night, replace all lightbulbs in the livingroom with red bulbs.
42. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
43. Replace all doorways with windows so that you have to step up AND duck to go thru them.
44. Rope off a small area of your living room, turn off the AC, put on a suit made of garbage bags and mill around inside the roped off area for an hour with a zip lock bag tied securely around your head.
45. Whenever someone enters a room you’re cleaning, shout “up and over” at them so they’ll go thru the attic to get to the kitchen.
46. Tell your kids to “go find me a can of relative bearing grease”.
47. Whenever the mailman steps onto your porch, shout “Postmaster General – Arriving” so that everyone in the house can hear you.
48. Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up thru the sunroof and give you directions on where to drive. Drive thru as many big puddles as possible.
49. Have your kids stand at attention everytime you enter the room and make them state quite loudly, “Attention on Deck” or “Make a Hole”.
50. Start every story with “This is no-shit”.